The Thing That I've Never Talked About Online ~or~ What I've Learned About Miracles

A little over a year ago-- 14 months and 3 days to be exact-- my life changed suddenly, when my dad was diagnosed with stage iv cancer. I have never opened up about this online until now.

The diagnosis and the subsequent series of events caused me to go inward and really changed how I interacted with the world. Where I was once outgoing and excited to share my life, inspire and engage with others via social media, I suddenly withdrew. I became very protective of my family and the things that we were going through. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I started having panic attacks that would leave me dizzy, with palms sweating and vision blurring. One time, this happened while driving and I almost took a nose dive off of Mulholland. Although these incidents were few and far between, they terrified me because they would manifest suddenly, without any apparent direct cause. I had never suffered from any sort of anxiety before. But the truth is that I knew the root cause. Anxiety doesn't just show up one day, out of "nowhere." Everything in life is connected. And the fear of losing my dad permeated everything in my life, on a deep, subconscious level.

I share this experience with you now, because I have since gained a handle on my anxiety and fear, and I want to be more open with people about what I've been going through, in case I can help someone else. At one point, my dad took a turn for the worse and the doctors didn't think he would make it. But I am able to write this now, because a miracle happened and my dad is cancer free. This post is not about my father surviving cancer... this post is about the silver lining that I have gleaned from it all. And all of the things that I have come to learn have been the result of my year long process of dealing with this, which has been generously nurtured by my spiritual practice.

There are a few important things that I hope you can take away from this message (and if you know anyone else who can benefit from them, please share this blog post with them): 

1.) Miracles can happen. My father was on death's doorstep. He had stage iv esophageal cancer that had spread to his lymph nodes and had manifested in other parts of his body. He had a botched surgery in which the doctors accidentally punctured a hole in his already dysfunctional esophagus, that was spilling out food into his chest and lung cavity. This caused his immune system to react against his body. When a hole is punctured in the esophagus, there is already a 70% mortality rate, and that's without the infection, without the stage iv cancer, without the 75 year old not-very-active body. Infection and pneumonia followed, almost killing him, and preventing the possibility of chemotherapy, during the time in which my father needed it most direly. I watched my dad go from the charismatic, strong (and sometimes intimidating) man I knew to someone who looked like a stranger. You see before, my dad never appeared weak to me. He always looked young and vibrant, even at 75. But in the hospital, he didn't look like my dad. He looked like a dying old man. I was preparing myself for his death. But "somehow" he recovered. He recovered from the infection. He recovered from the pneumonia. The doctors targeted all of his tumors with a special kind of chemo that has been especially effective in battling breast cancer. He had his esophagus removed and a new one constructed out of his stomach. And he just had one last surgery this past Thanksgiving on his stomach. How did this miracle happen? I don't know. I think it had something to do with a lot of love, a lot of prayer and a lot of letting go and surrendering to what is. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is that if you detach yourself from the outcome of any given situation, the more likely you are to get the outcome you desire. It is one of life's great paradoxes. But it takes true letting go, true surrender and true detachment-- not just trying to convince yourself or wish detachment. The moment you truly let go is the moment there is new room for a shift.

2.) After the miracle, remember to maintain that action of letting go. The doctors can save someone, god can save someone, etc. But ultimately a person can only save him or herself. Overcoming something is an incredible feat-- maintaining a positive attitude, remembering the miracle, continuing to live every day as if it were your last and taking care of yourself can be even more challenging. Don't impose yourself on another person. It is their miracle, their life. Your miracle is what you glean from a challenging situation. If that cancer comes back or if my father abandons miracle-consciousness, it is not my place to take it personally or try to control and protect his life. It is my job to work on myself.

3.) In order to receive a miracle, you must be willing to give something in return. What have you done to deserve your miracle? Bringing about more good in this world will probably make you a prime target for miracles. And the act of giving back can be a miracle in of itself. Also, you cannot receive something if you're already full. You must give something to make room for the miracle in your life.

4.) Always let your family and loved ones come first. If someone is sick and you want to be there, then be there. There is no time like the present and you never know when someone will be gone. Family and loved ones should always come before the physical nuances of life.

5.) Holistic healthcare can be effective, but it is best to be mindful of maintaining wellness before you get sick, instead of relying on holistic treatments later. The word holistic refers to treating every aspect of your life as a whole. If your stomach hurts don't just grab Tums. Figure out why it hurts in the first place-- your body is telling you something, such as perhaps there is too much acid in your diet. So clear the clutter in your mind, sit down and listen to your body. I am a huge advocate for alternative medicine and holistic healthcare. But let it be said: there were no holistic options left for my dad, and he beat this thing regardless (so far anyway.) My dad couldn't combat cancer with juice or a healthy diet, because he was hooked up to a feeding tube for 7 months. Now, did diet and a lack of health consciousness bring about his illness? I can say with near certainty, that it did. My dad consumed an incredibly acidic diet for most of his 75 years of life. But if my father's body was in such a horrific state, how did he overcome the cancer?

6.) Your soul is bigger than your body. Sometimes neglecting your soul can manifest as cancer and eat your body. And sometimes it takes your soul- and the souls of many- to revive your body and give you a second chance. It's not really mind over matter, you see... because the mind is part of the body. It is soul over matter. Do not be a slave to your body. Feed your body well and take care of it because it is your hotel while you are here and you're going to have to stay in that room for awhile. But perhaps if we pay as much attention to our soul's needs as our body's, our body will begin to reflect that same radiance as our soul.

7.) Your journey is your own. You are allowed to be human. You are allowed to be scared and to go through a trial of of ups and downs with whatever you are experiencing in your life. Be true to who you are, your eccentricities, your attributes and your faults. We can only do our best in any given moment. I believe in living a life with integrity, kindness, compassion, sincerity creativity and productivity. Those parts are up to you. It is up to you, whether you choose to engage in slander of another person or not. You can choose to do good in this world, to have stand-up character and to be a pleasant person to others. The rest you can't really control. So don't beat yourself up too much when you are going through something difficult and you feel weak. And even if you do happen to commit a big wrong, acknowledge your mistake, forgive yourself, move on and take actions to amend what you have done. Because while guilt can be a helpful emotion, relaxing into guilt is not proactive. You must learn from your mistakes in order to evolve and be the best person that you can be while you are here for this short time on this planet.

8.) The number one thing that helped me overcome my anxiety was connecting to the energy of love and light that is this universe, and drawing from it, in the knowledge that I am not alone. We are all connected and as long as you realize that you don't have to go through every painful thing by yourself, you will be amazed as to how much better you feel at that little acknowledgement in of itself. You can lean on a friend or you can lean on the sky... because it's all connected to the same source. And this source will love and support you no matter what you do, as long as you always make it your aim to bring about good in this world. Love thy neighbor as thyself, because that neighbor is part of you. Putting distance between you and another person, will only cause more pain and more war in this world. It is not easy to love an 'enemy.' But if you realize that someone's hatred is really a very deep unhealed wound within that person, it is much easier to be compassionate. And if you treat the wound with love, you will be surprised by the kindness that will come back.

If this inspired you, please share it with someone you love... the more we can share inspiration and love, the more we will realize that we are all friends, connected at the soul level, and the better this world can be for us and our children.